Emerod's Weblog

Schoolteachers across the state would express appreciation if we could pass a new law I am proposing, the No Child Left Alone Act. The law would mandate that every child from first through twelfth grade be provided 6 hours per day of high-quality, unsupervised social interaction with peers, allowing breaks every hour for 5 minutes of graphical interface wax media coloration, two-digit counting, or sequential alphabetic character recitation. The so-called “academic minutes” might be bitterly contested by the teacher’s unions, but would be necessary to retain accreditation.

Many will praise the law’s recognition of the need for students to learn from their peers. There are so many times teachers are talking about something and no one in the class is listening. Traditionally, teachers thought that students weren’t learning anything, but of course they were learning from each other. Now teachers can just listen to them socialize, and grade them on how many people they talk to in an hour.

Of course, not everyone will be happy with the new educational standards. Some older teachers may be incensed at the stringent certification requirements contained in the law, such as the requirement for teachers to receive „advanced socialization education“ outside of school hours. The “nightclub” certification might be particularly difficult to obtain, but teachers would be allowed to hire football players to tutor them.

However, the law will make some much-needed changes in U.S. educational culture. For too long we have been trying to teach kids impossible stuff, expecting them to pass tests and all that, when all along we’ve known that socialization is the most important part of education. This will just force us to face facts and let kids learn the important life skills they can only get from their same-age peers.